i wrote this about ten years ago during a physical/emotional breakdown...
Dancing with a lion
All my life I've known you, God,
Dreamed about you,
Talked to you.
I've read books about you
And I've read what you've written
None of it seems true.
The hurt I feel is so huge
The hole in my heart so deep
I wonder if you ever were there at all.
Have you heard anything I've ever said?
Have you felt my love?
Have you been there in the dark when I thought I felt
Well, it's darker now,
And I'm not sure anymore.
Have I been dancing with a lion all this time?
Questions. Terror. Loneliness. Sickness.
The ghastly feeling that I've been deceived,
That what you promised is not true.
Why should I believe in You
If you're not real,
If you don't care?
But I can't let go of my childhood trust.
If you're not real, then I must still believe
In what I dream you to be.
Because the dream is worth more
Than reality without You.
Even if You kill me
I will trust you.
A wise man, a desperate man, once said that.
Even a lion can be gentle.