only as happy

i came across this phrase in my reading this week. "you are only as happy as your saddest child"... (chuck colson.)

oh. my. stars. gasp. gulp. sway. this hit me right where it hurts. this is why there is always a part of me that stays gray...throbbing...empty...longing...weeping.

my children, my children. since eve, who mourned her lost son and her other lost son...we grieve for our children.

i asked my mother once, "which of us is your favorite?" (i know i was...funny thing, the others all said the same...) she replied, wisely, "whichever one needs me the most."

my children. my child. my lost, lonely child who needs me but doesn't know it. who needs god. who needs love. this can be said about any of my children on any given day, but sometimes, particularly, and for long periods of time.

i know the endless back and forth of a mother's heart, rejoicing, weeping, screaming, imploring, ceaselessy bombarding heaven with cries and prayers (i've also just been reading augustine's confessions...oh, precious monica, who did not give up all those long years...)

who knew. how were we to know when we bravely/foolishly/carelessly/lovingly gave birth to our kids that never again would our hearts be at rest, that we would forever be connected to someone who had the ability to tear our innermost being apart simply because we loved him/her.

it's true, chuck...i am only as happy as my saddest child.