emergency room

saturday night, 11 pm, i woke from a sound sleep with a pounding heart and a feeling like i could not breathe.

waited for it to go away.

went out to the living room, tried to watch tv, no improvement.

woke up dennis to pray for me. sitting there on the side of the bed, i really couldn't hardly get my breath. (yes, i know that's a double negative.)

finally, i started to panic a bit and woke him up again and said "honey, i need to go to the hospital".

fortunately, we are only 5 minutes away.

i honestly don't remember what happened. it's like a dream. i kept longing for my bed at home. i was cold. i was miserable. i was scared.

i guess they did a quick ECG and it was normal. the sweet little doctor said i should go off caffeine and follow up with a cardiologist. which i will do. then we came home.

for the next 24 hours, i felt awful. throbbing in my throat, headache. tired. just awful.

today, i feel better. perhaps it was just a caffeine overdose.

sigh.

good health is a treasure.

cookies without guilt

here's a cookie recipe i invented for those among us who need a little help to be regular:

1 cup butter
1 cup organic (muscovada) brown suger
2 organic eggs- or any old eggs
1 tsp vanilla (actually i just pour it in)
(mix well till fluffy of course)
dry ingredients:
1 cup wheat bran
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup flaxseed
1/4 cup sesame seeds
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
a whole bunch of chocolate chips

mix well, drop by large spoonfuls onto greased pans, cook for 10-12 min depending on your oven (350* in mine may not be same as everyone else's cuz my kitchen is about 90* all the time)

these cookies are soft and breakable, either eat them all at once, as i tried to do yesterday, or refrigerate the leftovers. they will disintegrate if left out.

HEEHEEHEE!!!

(healthy enough to be breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a very choosy little 3-year-old. no guilt. and that's important)

my dad again.

i love my dad. i didn't used to.

this is him mid-lecture.

which is why i didn't used to like him very much. he is a world-class lecturer, and i don't mean in the university professor sense.

"uldene. use discretion. you need to take life seriously." he'd say.

repeatedly.

sigh.

i love my dad.

now that i don't have to listen to the lectures any more.

the barnabas gift...

is encouragement. Barnabas was the guy in the Bible who never gave up on his buddy John Mark, who was a failure sometimes.

Lord, let me be an encourager.

one of my spiritual daughters thanked me this week for being such a great cheerleader.

my heart rejoiced at such a description of what i do in this season of my life. i am no longer DOING the doing...i am cheering on those who DO it.

i'm in the wings...prompting.

a wonderful time of life.

and on a totally unrelated note, just because i can, here's a picture of the cutest little girl in the world.

little girls, little boys...

emma keeps getting beat up on. almost every time lately that she's been in a public place, a little boy comes up and smacks, socks, or pushes her.

she weeps. she roars. she bites, occasionally. not that i blame her.

she must have a sign on her little forehead that says "beat me up".

daddy says it's because all little boys are mad at their moms and are getting even with the female gender wherever they can.

hmmmm.

i think i shall teach her martial arts in self-defense.

or at the very least, how to REALLY sink those pearly whites into flesh.;)

and then to forgive, of course, and be friends, and all that.

it's hard to be three, small for your age, and have that sign on your forehead.

be brave, baby girl. some day you will be able to defend yourself. some day, soon.

annie is a boy!

so my grandson jason was at my house yesterday, met "annie" (our pink chicken, see previous blogs) for the first time, and informed me that annie is a boy. "well, you can just call him andy" he said consolingly.

i might have known.

things are not always as they seem.

but nature has a way of revealing who you really are, in annie's case, a "coxcomb" at her- i mean his- very young age. "bata pa!" said jason...that means he's still ittle and he already has a comb.

truth there.

what's in my real nature that is bound to come out???

is it Jesus...or is it me...

my father...

my son Jonathan and his wife Tracey and their kids, Caleb and Rosie, spent an afternoon with my 86 year old father. Tracey took some wonderful pictures...this is one of them...

a little heart speaks...

tonight as emma and i were snuggled together watching the stars, she softly said, "i'm so glad you're my mommy". i had to catch my breath with the sheer beauty of it- she repeated it again...i answered, after a long pause..."oh emma, i'm so glad you're my daughter..."

it makes motherhood worth it all to hear these words. even a little three and a half year old understands that she loves and is loved, and she is grateful. that is emma's most outstanding quality..."gratefulness". she wasn't yet 24 hours old before i recognized that this little baby was so thankful, so appreciative, so undemanding. and i loved her for it.

tonight, i savor those words in my heart, and i will never forget that special moment. it's moments like that, when you realize there is nothing...NOTHING...more important than being a mommy, and doing your very best at it.

love you, baby girl!

savoring...

i read my Psalms this morning while i was eating breakfast...spiritual food as well as physical for sustaining all of me.

i lingered over Psalm 112...oh the delicious promises of God. prayed for my children and extended family...savored the Word that sustains my faith for them.

thank you Lord, for the awesome food that your Word is to my soul.

Selah.

comfort addiction.

saw sean penn's video on cnn with larry king. he said it well. WE NEED HAITI. to teach us what it means to not be ADDICTED TO COMFORT.

guilty as charged, Lord! forgive me. help me to not be a comfort addict.

help me to learn from the poor.

http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2010/02/16/lkl.sean.penn.haiti.cnn

never enough...

DEAR GOD;

i can never say thank you enough times for your stars, for your sky.

Of all the lovely things in the universe, the stars are my favorites.

how could you manage, O Great Creator, to arrange for that light to find its way for billions of miles and i have no idea how many light years, to me, tonight?

thank you, God, for the Pleiades. for that lovely constellation that makes my heart skip every single time i look at it. i only have binoculars, God, not a telescope...if i were any closer i don't think i could breathe for the glory of it. the other stars are lovely too...but there is something about that magical cluster that takes my breath away...

thank you, again. and again, and again.

thank you for the stars.

oh, there is just nothing like the smell of the countryside. (we call it "the province"...) the sweet hot scent of dry grass...pungent rice straw smoke...wild scent of mountain pine and bamboo wafting over the fields...

as i leave the city, the knot in my stomach starts to relax. my mind starts to click along like a well-oiled little engine. the tension in my shoulders eases, even though i'm driving a huge vehicle that challenges my frame. as we get closer to the ocean, there a bubbling feeling in my heart. i feel like singing, like rolling down the windows and shouting "i'm alive! i'm alive!"

i love my city, don't get me wrong. but there are a lot of toxins in the air, i think, that just clog me up. slow me down. make me lazy and irritable.

thank you Lord, for the privilege of living in both places...in the city when im needed, and the rejuvenating respite in the "province" by the sea.

little girl flowers in a bowl...

emma finally named her 4 dollies today...she hasn't been much of a doll girlie, more of an animal girlie, as evidenced by the joined-at-the-hip-with-PUPPY years...but lately she's been showing interest in mothering her dollies. Nicholas, Lizzie, Annabelle, and Sophie are their names. i love watching her being maternal- it's just there in a little girl's heart.

so much for discipline...

well, i'm sick, and we have 3 new chickies. emma is in her glory.

discipline.

love it- hate it.

trying to post every day- sometimes my brain isn't really working so i'll just put pictures. ;)

guess who this is?

orphans.

they're problematic. they are all over the place. they cause political chaos.

and they are us.

we are the orphan. all of us.

we are adopted. into God's family.

we need to have the heart of God for orphans.

check out linny's blog...desperate times- especially when CNN is full of news about the misguided, unprepared, extremely naive and foolish people who tried to get children out of Haiti who weren't even orphans. sigh.

http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/

this used to be my life...seems like so very long ago...

September, 2003

Here are some updates from Gentle Hands Clinic:
• “Nicole” (who is Italian) gave birth to her second Gentle Hands baby, “Liwayway”. Her first baby “Victoria” was born in a waterbirth at Gentle Hands but after the birth Nicole developed complications and was hospitalized. Both her back-up doctors advised her not to have natural childbirth again, but she was determined- and she succeeded!

• “Erlymyrr” had a C-section with her first baby because it was in breech position. Her second baby was a gentle waterbirth at Gentle Hands with no complications. “Maria Pearl Myrr” was normally born with our midwives attending.

We are grateful for the skill of our trained midwives who have faith in God and in the women as they labor and bring forth their babies into the world.

The “D.A.V.I.D.” boys are learning to sew! Twice a week a teacher comes to show them how to operate the new donated machines. Right now they are working on potholders. It is awesome to see them learning a trade that will provide an income for their lives.

Our special baby, “Raynold”, who was dropped off at the door of the clinic by his mom for Charity to adopt, has gone to stay at Sun & Moon Orphanage until he is adopted out. Ate Elizabeth looked after him for 6 weeks- he has a heart condition and was in very poor shape when she got him. He is fat and cute and doing well now.

In August we had 32 babies born! The midwives did 65 baby check-ups, 278 prenatals, and there were 28 graduates from our “Responsible Motherhood” class as well as 10 from the refresher course.

Thank you again for your help and faithful giving to keep us doing this ministry!