monsoon rain

dusk
dim
dense

the air is a curtain of rain

heavy wet sky covers
my street like a blanket

suffocating moisture
makes the breath
ragged and shallow
like struggling to breathe

underwater

not a shiver of wind
just the falling falling falling
rain

from street to window
is a waterfall
constant
pouring
overflowing
warm
wetter than wet

monsoon

-denie

paul benjamin, not forgotten

thirty seven years ago, or so, i had a miscarriage. such a cold, clinical term for a huge event.

i lost my baby. i had felt that little one swimming around inside me for several precious weeks, then i got very sick. i was put on strong antibiotics by my doctor, and ... my baby died.

the doctor told me right up front, emotionlessly, that it was probably the antibiotics. i had kidney issues and couldn't risk having infection again. but it cost us the life of our baby.

recently this has surfaced in my mind, i'm not sure why. about 25 years ago, i was doing a lot of counseling with women who had aborted their babies, and i actually grieved with them and got some healing. because my baby died so early, the doctor said they couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. so i prayed, waited, and allowed my heart to be open to whatever felt right, and asked God to show me. I felt that His answer was that it was a little boy. So i named him "paul benjamin" after my brother. i told only my husband about it, and he just was very quiet.

***

little benjamin. who are you today? what do you look like? how old are you now in heaven? are you still a baby, or have you grown into the man i envision...the man with a combination of your brother and your sister who still live here on earth? do you have red or blond hair? blue or hazel eyes? do you have responsibilities there? or are you just part of the vast worshipping throng before our God...

i wish i knew. i wish that back then the hospital had given me your tiny body to tenderly hold and preserve so that we would have something, anything, to remember you by. i don't even know what they did with you.

i wish i hadn't almost died having you. i wish i had told more people about you, i wish i had made you more a part of our family.

i wish, i wish, i wish.

i just want you to know, dear little son, that you are not forgotten. you are worth remembering. i treasure the memory of the few short months i carried you. i still feel the "tickles" in my tummy that i felt when you somersaulted within me. you are as real to me as my other children, just tucked away safely in a secret place of my heart that nobody ever sees.

you were not a "miscarriage". you were a child who flew away to Jesus before i got to hold you. and now, you are...not an angel, but a living soul who has grown up in the presence of the King. how much you will have to teach me when i get there...and i know i will recognize you, somehow.

dear sweet son. my tears, shed late in life, are just as hot and salty as they were decades ago. my tears honor your memory. i did not grieve you at first- i was young, i was foolish, i was in a hurry to get on with life and get past it all.

now i want to remember... to go back and pay tribute to the few short months i had with you, to the brief experience of being your earthly mother. and i want to express the joy i feel looking forward to the wonderful moment when i will see you face to face. you are not invisible. you are not a fragment of my imagination. you are real, paul benjamin, you are my son, and you are loved.

wait for me!

you'll recognize me too. i'll be the one running toward you with arms open wide.

the place of nothingness

The Place of Nothingness
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2,
by Os Hillman 05-25-2009


"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

Do you find yourself in a place of nothingness? There is a time and place in our walk with God in which He sets us in a place of isolation and waiting. It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities - simply inactivity.

During these times, God is calling us aside to fashion something new in us. It is a place of nothingness designed to call us to deeper roots of prayer and faith. It is not a comfortable place, especially for a task-driven workplace believer. Our nature cries out, "You must do something" while God is saying, "Be still and know that I am God." You know the signs that you have been brought into this place when He has removed many things from your life and you can't seem to change anything. Perhaps you are unemployed. Perhaps you are laid up with an illness.
Many people live a very planned and orchestrated life where they know almost everything that will happen. But for people in whom God is performing a deeper work, He brings them into a time of quietness that seems almost eerie. They cannot see what God is doing. They just know that He is doing a work that cannot be explained to themselves or to others.

Has God brought you to a place of nothingness? Be still and know that He really is God. When this happens, your nothingness will be turned into something you will value for the rest of your life.

MY PRAYER; LORD, IN THIS SMALL, ENCLOSED SPACE WHERE I NOW LIVE, OF (ALMOST) NOTHINGNESS, I FEEL SOMEWHAT UNIMPORTANT. YET I KNOW THAT EVERY LITTLE ACTION IS OF SIGNIFICANCE IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS. HELP ME TO NARROW MY VISION TO WHAT YOU HAVE CALLED ME TO IN THIS MOMENT, AND TO STOP YEARNING FOR THE GLORY DAYS OF WHEN MY WORLD WAS SO MUCH BIGGER AND I COULD DO SO MUCH MORE.

I USED TO DEAL WITH HUNDREDS...NOW I DEAL WITH JUST A FEW.

I USED TO BE SORT OF FAMOUS...NOW NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHO I AM.

BUT YOU DO.

AND MY LITTLE DAUGHTER DOES.

AND MY HUSBAND DOES.

AND MY GRANDCHILDREN DO.

HELP ME TO BE CONTENT. TO BE QUIET, LIKE A WEANED CHILD.

I DON'T MISS THE "GLORY DAYS", ACTUALLY, LORD. BEING KIND OF TIRED, AND OLD, AND ALL.

IN FACT, AS I PONDER IT, THESE ARE THE GLORY DAYS.

MOMENT BY MOMENT, IN MY TINY UNIVERSE, YOU ARE HERE, AND small, insignificant THINGS LIKE COOKING, READING BOOKS TO MY BABY, GOING FOR WALKS, AND BABYSITTING DO MATTER. OH YES, THEY DO.

HELP ME TO BE CONTENT.